All things in moderation - a cautionary tale
It all began on the 29th October 2010. I belonged to an online forum of hobby enthusiasts. No, I’m not going to name it – speculate if you wish but you will get no more than that out of me. On this date I received a private message from a member I did not know and to my knowledge, had no prior dealings with. I responded politely but not in a friendly ‘lets keep the chat going’ kind of way. This was my first mistake; responding at all.
Over the following weeks, this member kept sending PMs. At first I thought she was just a lonely soul but over time, it became clear that she was fishing for information on a mutual friend. Finally, the penny dropped as to why I had become the object of her attention. Nope, I wasn’t going to buy into that so she got nothing out of me as regards information and I refused her ‘friend’ request. I thought that would be the end of it but instead it seemed that she needed to comment on every post I made.
Mistake number two was including a link to my blog in my posts on the forum. That’s when it all got freaky. My blog was a not very interesting collection of ramblings and the Wordpress stats told me that I had only a few random visits on a not very regular basis. Overnight though, the stats were off the scale, all from one ip address, all from one location – hers. I didn’t think too much of it at first but she kept coming back, every day (sometimes, ten times a day) to read and re-read everything she had already read. For a blog that I updated, as most, once a day, it felt creepy.
I sent her a PM and as kindly as I could, asked why she was doing this and pointing out that it seemed excessive. She agreed she had been intrusive and said she would stay away. In fact, here’s a copy and paste from her response…” So first, I do send my sincere apology for the intrusion. There will be one less intruder, from now on.. <weak embarrassed, trying for some humor, smile ..” Great! Only she just couldn’t stay away and her repeated visits to the blog continued, reading and re-reading every post, multiple times a day.
I sent another PM, this time more formal, telling her, still politely but in clear language that her repeated visits were intrusive. I got this response.
“Direct, and clear.
I will need to read what you're referring too.
Have clearly intruded.
And will not do so again.
If I needed an awakening to time illspent, I am sorry it was at anyone expense.
an unable to see whatever it is that you were referring to.. but I am a slow reader.. as you are aware.. but good at self correcting. and will not intrude again. “ This is a copy and paste – any errors in spelling/grammar are not mine.
If only she had done what she said she would do. But she didn’t. She kept revisiting the blog, studying and re-reading every damn word over and over. She trawled the forum looking for me. She was always watching.
Having asked nicely, then told her by PM and her still watching everything I did, I took it off the forum to email. The result of that was an immediate ban from the forum. I tried to reason with a senior admin, detailing pretty much, all of the above. It fell on deaf ears and the admin never responded.
Whatever she told the admins, they bought it, hook, line and sinker. There was no right of reply and I somehow doubt if my complaint was ever read.
The constant re-reading of my blog continued, even after the ban. Imagine you are sitting in a public library scribbling away at whatever floats your boat. It could be a shopping list, a love letter, an essay. You’re sitting in a public place, right? People who pass by can read over your shoulder and you don’t care too much because you expect it because anyone can come and go. Now imagine this one individual is at your shoulder ten times a day, watching everything you write. Doesn’t feel very comfortable does it? Then imagine that you ask politely if they could leave you alone please and they just carry on, day after day and when you tell them finally to please just stop, you get thrown out of the library. There was nothing else for it. For my own sanity and privacy, I had to get out of the library.
I closed the blog and opened a new one. Such was her obsession that she found that too and the whole nightmare started again. I had to close that one too because she just would not let up.
I have recently been told what she alleged I did. All of it was fantasy. In taking my ‘gripe’ with her to email and not exposing her to be the nasty obsessive she still is, I shot myself in the foot. The admin concerned believed her fantasy. The consequence for me is that I’m fussy about who I hang around with either in person or on a forum. I reported this to the police and the stalker’s ISP and got some great advice from an anti stalking organisation. The advice was to expose her nasty behaviour every time she appears on my radar. She still does and she doesn’t like getting caught.
The admin on the forum was hoodwinked. Don’t be fooled by any admin who tells you that they never go looking for information about themselves or their forum. They do. Can I prove it? Absolutely. If ‘moderation’ means that a personality disordered individual can continue to cause havoc then they can shove it as far up their collective bottoms as it will go – sideways.
She is still ‘out there.’ She caused damage to me and to those I love. Who knows who her next target will be? The admin is still completely sure he took the right action. He suspends people from his forum for even the mention of my name. Those who know me, who I have sat in the pub with, shared a hobby with, would ( I hope) not judge me so harshly.
Am I in favour of moderation? Blimey, what do you think!
Do I still keep a blog? Oh yes. I do so because I want to and partly because if I don’t, I have allowed the stalker to win.
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Originally Posted by aschup
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